Monday, 14 November 2016

4th time's a charm

A picture of me

I wasn’t planning on publishing two posts in two days, but I have news, well, something I wanted to document. Today, for the 4th time, I’ve joined Slimming World.

It’s really different this time. I don’t feel driven to lose weight, I don’t feel determined and all those other things I normally am when I join a weight-loss club. But I have reached a point where I absolutely HAVE to do something.

I’ve realised that my life has become very much ruled by my weight – whether that’s choosing a restaurant based on how decent their chairs look, to not leaving the house unless I have to because I’m so completely embarrassed and ashamed of how I look.  There’s also something I read on a post by the lovely Stacie from Life is worth the fight – she’d said that when she sees someone who’s really overweight just walking up a hill with no real problem, she feels it’s not fair, she’s slim and in dire need of a second lung transplant and struggles to walk just a few feet. She’s right, she’s one hundred million percent right, it’s not fair. My lungs already aren’t great (severe asthma since 5 years old), so surely I should be doing everything I can to help them (and my knees, and feet, and back which also give me aggro)?.... she’s right, I’d just never seen it like that.

For at least a year I’ve had to stop looking at people when I’m out and about. I get the most horrible scornful and disgusted looks off people. Once someone started so glaringly, I stopped and stood right in front of them and stared right back at her until she looked away.  People can be so insensitive, those glances and looks can be very hurtful.  Yes I’m very overweight, no I don’t want to be, but those looks and judgements make me not want to stretch my legs and get exercise at lunch time, and instead hide away where I’m sheltered from such judgement.

I’m feeling completely miserable with myself, I hate my grossly overweight body. I used to look at people who were very, very overweight and say ‘how can they let that happen’ and now I’ve let it happen to me. I think one of the reasons I feel so apathetic towards it, is because I have so much to lose I don’t feel that I’ll ever be able to get back to just being overweight – that’s just how far I have to go.

I basically have to lose a person in weight, feels like the biggest uphill struggle and is very overwhelming. I know that everyone will say not to focus on the end goal, but smaller goals like 10% or 1 stone, but when you have so much to lose, it’s hard to keep the focus on small interim goals.  Team that up with the fact I’ve never managed to lose more than 4 stone… it seems to be my marathon-runners ‘wall’. I’ll lose 4 stone and give up. I feel like, if I can get past that, I might stand a chance.

I’ll be documenting my weigh-ins each week here. As much as I’m not going to share with you my actual weight, I’m just too ashamed, I will have a running total of how much I’ve lost and how much I’ve lost/gained each week.

I’m sorry that this ended up being so negative (not a fan of negativity), I think I’m just in a negative/not-good place at the moment which is down to all of the above, and generally having a lot of negativity around me at the moment, it really wears me down.  Hopefully in a few months or year or so I’ll look back at these posts and see how far I’ve come and that the tone will be much more positive :)
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8 comments

  1. Well done, it's so hard to lose weight but you have to start somewhere. I am sure you will do it this time. Good luck xx

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    1. Thank you :) I really hope so. Gina has really inspired me, she messaged me this morning :)

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  2. I have faith that you can do it Georgina. It will be tough sometimes, but you'll be tougher. It's bound to help with your confidence reference yesterday's post too. Sending positive vibes. Xx

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    1. Aww thanks Simon. Yeah definitely, I think I've been stuck in a vicious cycle and I need to change it to a virtuous circle :D Gosh that sounds cheesy! Thanks so much for commenting :)

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  3. Good luck! I really have to do this too. I feel so bad and tired at the moment and want to hide from life and photos. Whenever I've seen you in RL BTW I have to say I've never noticed what size you have been as I've just loved chatting to you (I hope that comes out right! lol). Sending you lots of positive support xxx

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    1. Thank you my lovely :) I'm exactly the same, hate photo's being taken of me, but that means that there are hardly any photo's of Squidge and I apart from selfies. Aww thank you, that's really nice to know :) xxx

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  4. Only you can do it for yourself, a bit like stopping smoking. When you know you are ready, then just do it - you know the benefits to you and your family will be immeasurable. One day at a time, good luck and positive energy to you down the interweb xx

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    1. Thanks Roddy <3 This is the thing, I don't feel ready, I don't have that drive or determination, but I just have to take a leap of faith with it and hope that if I stick to the plan, the good results will give me that drive and determination. You're right, the benefits really will be immeasurable, lovely way to put it :)

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